Multimedia Arts Organization Promoting Life and Healing After Abortion. Producers of the Live Production - The Life Ballet - and
Arise Sweet Sarah Film and Soundtrack.
Letter of Regret
From Joy
Dear Faith and Hope,
I aborted Faith in the summer of 1979 and Hope in May of 1980.
In 1979, life was very different than it is today -- in that there was no internet, no Google, the only source of information was the news, newspapers and magazines. We believed a lot of what we were told only to find out later much of it was lies.
My parents had split when I was 15 and my Dad was running around with my best friend who at the time was 16. I had begun living a life looking for acceptance and love anywhere I could find it. I was petite, cute and had very large breasts - which always got me attention. I soon realized that there was power and control in sex and for a few minutes I could feel loved even if when it was over I felt used and hurt. I used recreational drugs, pot, cocaine, queloods and drank. A frequent partier in the bar and club scene -- all trying to fill the void deep in my heart. When I was pregnant with Faith, I had been on birth control pills, so when I was told I was pregnant I was also told that since I got pregnant on the pill I would need to terminate. Honestly, I was in a fog and really didn't know what that meant - they sent me to PP. This exam was the first ob/gyn exam I ever had and I went by myself. They (PP) told me what to do, where to go, and how much money to bring. I did as they said - thinking to myself if the Dr says it's okay and the government says it's okay - it must be...right???? A year later I was pregnant again, with Hope, and I was told due to some medical issues that I would not be able to carry the baby to term and that if I tried I was putting my life at risk. This time I went to the hospital where my insurance paid for everything. The next 19 years were filled with regret, shame, embarrassment, self loathing, anger, depression, suicidal, drinking and drugs as I came to grips with the reality of what abortion really was and what I had done. So my dear Faith and Hope, I believe that the two of you interceded on my behalf and helped me get to a healing retreat - Rachel's Vineyard Retreats for post abortion healing. On that weekend, I recognized you as my beloved children, safe in the loving hands and care of our heavenly Father. It was on the weekend in 1999, that I named you and accepted not only your forgiveness but the forgiveness of God and on that weekend I promised both of you that I would spend the rest of my life fighting for the babies who have no voice and for their mothers who feel alone and helpless and as if they have no other choice. You are such a part of my heart everyday. I was eventually able to carry your sister to full term and to life. She has been the joy of my life and it is also because of her that I sought healing. My three girls! She also remembers and honors you as she can and we have Christmas ornaments and little signs around our home with the names Faith and Hope. You are not forgotten. You are loved and I will honor you in the work that I do until we are together.
Love,
Mom
