Multimedia Arts Organization Promoting Life and Healing After Abortion. Producers of the Live Production - The Life Ballet - and
Arise Sweet Sarah Film and Soundtrack.
A Letter of Regret to My Daughter - By Paula Ellefson
Warm tears roll down my cheeks today (Feb. 19). Not because I am ridden with shame anymore, but because I miss you. Or better yet, I long to meet you face to face. This week has been different than in years past. I guess every year has looked different. Some years on this day, my heart was as cold as ice. No feelings. No tears. I didn't know or I denied that I cared about you. And yet other years, I was ridden with shame and only thought of myself mostly, and not you. On this day, years ago, I was curled up in the fetal position on my kitchen floor weeping uncontrollably in remorse for what I had done to you. Horrific images flashed into my mind. Some years I ignored the history and the mark that your life made on this day. And yet other years on this day, I was filled with anger. In the most recent years, I was filled with gratitude as new history was made on this day as a sign from the Lord that He had heard my prayers, saw my tears, and was making all things new. He showed me His mercy and He allowed me to honor you. 22 years. That is how old you would be this year if only my choice were different all those years ago. Today I am looking back over all that the Good Lord has done.Tears that warmly roll down my face and drop onto my chest are a reminder that you were and still are very real. You were not just some mass of tissue but yet you were treated that way. You were loved then. God loved you when I didn't. I love you now, and by the grace of God I have been changed. 22 years ago I signed papers that meant death for you and a life of regret for me. I didn't know. My pride and fear were in the way. I didn't know then, that one day I would desire to wish you Happy Birthday, or Merry Christmas, or tell you that I am proud of you or I love you. I just didn't know. Knowledge is power. Not just earthly knowledge, but the wisdom and knowledge that only the Lord can offer, is power. It has the power to set a person free, to lead us down the straight and narrow path and to make the right choices. It has the power to impact a person's entire history and eternal future. Well, I can't go back and undo the choices I made 22 years ago but I have the knowledge now to do something about it for the sake of others. I had the choice to stay under the burden of sin, shame, fear, pride and torment or to reach out to The One Who Saves..this time, I made the right choice! My daughter, through much repentance and Grace, I know that forgiveness has been rendered by you and the Lord and for that, my heart is overflowing with peace. But that doesn't change the fact that today, I am a little bit sad. Sad that I missed out on you! I will not deny the fact that because of your life, mine was changed and through Jesus, I know I will see you one day. I know there will be no tears in heaven, but tears are a consequence for choices made while here on earth. I won't ignore sadness and I will feel this emotion. I walked into this building 22 years ago with you alive, well and growing inside of me. I am sorry for not protecting you. I am sorry for aborting you. I am sorry for all of the years that I denied you existed. I am sorry for the mistake I made. I am sorry for not letting you live. I am sorry I ever walked into this building. It will forever be etched in my mind as your grave. Today, on year 22, I honor you Samantha Joy. And not just on today, but every day from here on out,because you are my child and I love you!
Until we meet in Paradise,
Love,
Mom
